Advice for Women

• You can't change a man -- unless he's in diapers.

• What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

• If they put a man on the moon -- they should be able to put them all up there.

• Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

• Men are all the same -- they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

• Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

• Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

• Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

• If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

• The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

• If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him the checkbook.

Acronyms Rarely Used in Personal Ads

UYFSOMWPOV
Ugly Yet Financially Secure Older Male With Plenty Of Viagra

RCGWJWTW
Rich Computer Geek Who Just Wants to Watch

JRLA
Janet Reno Look-Alike

POJHFC
President Of Jesse Helms Fan Club

CWP
Cigar-Wielding President

TOML
Twin of Monica Lewinsky

MSG S/G W/B M/F KOP WPFYB
Moonwalking Single-Gloved Straight/Gay White/Black Male/Female King Of Pop With Predilection For Young Boys

RHMI
Really Hip Macarena Instructor

HAWGSOH
Heroin Addict With Great Sense Of Humor

STLSM
Showtune Loving Straight Male

WARSADAP
Works At Radio Shack And Drives A Pinto

BWBWWTBAR
Broke White Boy Who Wants to be a Rapper

A Woman's Instruction Guide

• If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.

• Women don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

• The best reason to divorce a man is a health reason: you're sick of him.

• Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.

• A woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.

• If you want a nice man go for a bald one -- they try harder.

• Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.

• A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.

• Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

• Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.

• Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he does.

• Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.

• There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you can still use them.

• Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent, but they make great pets.

• Men's brains are like the prison system -- not enough cells per man.

• There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop" (unless they're used together).

• Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.

• If a man appears sexy, caring and smart give him a day and he will be back to his usual self.

• All men are like chickens with their heads cut off when they see beautiful women pass by.

• If your man appears happy, excited and keeps looking at you all of a sudden he is probably checking out the women behind you.

• Figuring out men is like trying to make a jigsaw puzzle in a car, once you think you have it all put together, you find another piece but you don't know where it goes.